Ever feel that uncomfortable pain in your gut because you can’t make a decision? Don’t feel bad. All of us get caught in mental roadblocks that keep us frozen and trapped in indecision.
Many of us struggle with small decisions – whether to buy those shoes, what to wear, make for dinner or tackle first on our to-do-list. And big decisions – changing jobs or careers, moving, going back to school, ending or starting relationships…
Why do we struggle? Mostly it’s fear! We’re afraid of change, failure and even success, and we’re worried about what other people will think of us. We want everything to turn out perfectly so we procrastinate and avoid making decisions to protect us from making a wrong decision and creating an imperfect future.
The problem is struggling with indecision is stressful. It’s no fun and can feel like you’re stuck in the mud without four-wheel drive. Indecision drains your batteries and keeps you from stepping into your brilliance and creating a life you love. You also miss out on valuable opportunities that could help you get what you want and grow and glow. In the words of psychologist William James, “There is not a more miserable human being than one in whom nothing is habitual but indecision.”
There is not a more miserable human being than one in whom nothing is habitual but indecision. —William James
Here’s the good news. Learning to make decisions is a skill. Every time you make a choice your decisive muscle gets stronger and become more confident. Here are 10 tips to get unstuck and move forward when indecision is holding you back.
- Ditch fear
Let go of fear of success or failure and perfectionism. Relax and stop worrying about making a mistake or not appearing perfect or smart. Remind yourself, you are safe and can always change your mind or go in another direction later if things don’t work out the way you want them to. Think about your history. How many times have you imagined the worst possible outcome related to a decision? Has it come true? Probably not. Most of our calamities never materialize.
Still terrified? Ask yourself will this really matter a year from now?
- Stop judging
Accept that there are no right or wrong decisions only choices that you have control over. Your thoughts, beliefs and judgments about your choices and potential outcomes are what lead to paralysis. When you stop judging you’ll be able to make decisions and your life will shift.
- Focus on the present
Don’t allow past concerns or failures to interfere with your present decisions. Notice how indecision is making you feel in the present moment. Is it generating stress or anxiety? Then choose! You’ll feel better.
- Trust your gut
Turn off your analytic self and turn on your intuition. Let your feelings guide you. What is your heart telling you to do? Trust your gut to guide you to the right place. To tap into your intuition ask yourself: How do I feel about choice A and then imagine the outcome of this decision. Notice how you feel. Then do the same thing for choice B. Choose the option that feels best.
- Practice
Becoming an expert decision maker takes time, practice and patience. Start by making smaller decisions.
- Get a fresh perspective
If you’re having trouble deciding talk with someone wise whom you trust. Make a list of the people in your life who help you gain direction and a clearer idea of where you should be heading. Pull out the list and contact someone when you need to decide. Of click HERE to schedule a coaching call.
- Do what’s right for you
Often we’re torn between doing what we know is right and doing what someone else wants us to do. Give yourself permission to do what’s right for you. You won’t regret it.
- Ask for Divine guidance
If you lack clarity ask God for help and be open to the guidance, which will come, often in unexpected ways. Don’t worry if the answer you get is do the dishes, go for a walk or sleep on it. While that may sound like indecision, you’re actually choosing to rest and let the situation develop further before moving forward.
- Flip a coin
Rather than remaining stuck, flip a coin. If you don’t like the outcome you’ll know what to do.
- Say Ahh
Think about how good – relieved, relaxed, less stressed… you’ll feel once you make a choice and leave indecision behind you. Consider decision making an act of self-compassion, a way to take care of yourself and get your needs met.
Don’t let indecision hold you back. Take a risk. Just do it. To quote James again:
When you have to make a choice and don’t make it, that is in itself a choice.
Refuse to settle for a life that’s comfortably uncomfortable. This is the moment to break free and move forward. The world needs your light and love.
Need help? Click HERE and let me know what’s keeping you from making a decision. I’d love to help you gain clarity, confidence and direction.
Known as The Midlife Whisperer™ Dr. Ellen is a Psychologist, Registered Dietitian, Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, Mindful Self-compassion Teacher, and author.
Im so glad to read this article. I struggled with indecision all my life. It stole so many good things from me as I over analyzed or made bad decisions. Now, I am starting to get in a place where I say yes too much,and only now have I realized not to make rash decisions or just say yes to please someone. I want to teach my daughter confidence so she will be firm and not wavering in her self worth. I know I will help her build the ability to make smart,worthy decisions by divulging my hindsight wisdom.
Hi Maria, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m glad you are making amazing progress. Saying no is a way to say yes to yourself. I love that your daughter is a great motivator for you. I know how you feel. I made major changes in my life to be a good role model for her. Be well and please let me know how I can support you.
Thank you for the post.
Currently I am struggling with inner chatter mostly because I am living with my elders. The elders in my life seem to have such fear of failure they never risk anything or making any kind of emotional mess. The desire to fit in and be people pleaser is the normal thought in my house hold and its a spirit killer. I am moving forward to get back into my own residence where my creative self has freedom and peace to be braver in my personal choices and in business. It is really true that our family can love us but hold us back so much. In good mind set I know they don’t mean to second guess my every move but they are terribly bored and not able to stay in their own creative lanes.
Hobbies are forgotten and being in one another’s affairs is common.
I love to create and manifest projects for the city and the people around me. I work with so many wonderful people over the years and have never had to sort of ask for a blessing to venture out into a Love project but this past 14 months have been a stretch of the wills.
I see it as both good and bad. I learned how much my creative soul needs freedom and I learned to respect the trauma of those around me with as much compassion as possible. I see the deep fear of failure and the fear within myself that had to push past the comfort level. I needed to swim often this summer and that helped me to push out of my safe zones —and……. venture into new opportunity.
My inner critic is very loud but I learned to do my self care program and love my own schedule and.,,my own way of recharging myself without asking for family opinion.
I think I appear more introverted – ( ha ha ) but it was really for safety.
I learned to protect my peace of mind and lower my expectations of those around me so my peace would remain.
I was blessed by your website yesterday and today Dr Ellen……. thank you so much for this healing gift. 😉
Hi there. I am in a life changing predicament. I am living in Germany as a single mother and met a man when I was least expecting it. My daughter is now 14. My boyfriend and I met when I she was 12. After the first year of being together, he invited me to live with him on the countryside. Naturally, my daughter is here 50% of the time and 50% with her father. Nonetheless, we are 45-50 minutes away from her school, so every other weekend I drive her in and just take care of extra work planning and appointments. We’ve been living here since October 2017. A month after moving in my boyfriend mentioned wanting to have a baby. I am currently 40, going on 41. I need to make this decision and have been so paralysed in it all. Its been a reoccuring topic. He did not state this before I made the move. Rent has increased severely in the area and I would need to be dependent on my parents for help to buy a condo here. Life in Germany is very much family oriented, so if you are living here without family it can be very daunting and lonely, not to forget to mention that my daughters father is an extremely comfortable type that always thinks he’s getting the shorter end of the stick and is cheap. I feel trapped from all sides and know that by not making a decision I am affecting several people, including myself because I feel like I’m going mad. I love my boyfriend, but I also love my daughter, and I’m trying to love myself not getting too critical at this point. HELP!
Hi Cynthia,
Thanks for sharing. I am sorry you are struggling with indecision.
Your decision to love yourself is a great place to start. Next I would start to prototype your various choices. Take some time to go through all the pros and cons of each and imagine what life would look like in each scenario. Also use your intellect to also help you discern the best course of action.
Hope that helps,
Dr. Ellen